Moving On!

 “Sometimes I see you pass outside my door.

Hello, is it me you’re looking for?” -  Lionel Ritchie

I must say, yes, I can move on, and have moved on, however slowly.

It’s five months since the toxic people left my home. It hasn’t been easy to recover.  It’s like removing tar from your skin.  You scrub and scrub and use some kind of chemical to get it clean.  Then there’s a residual stain that just wants to hang on.

But then again, there are some new, hopeful thoughts that start replacing the old, destructive ones.  Like this:

“And Jesus knows turns you never heard of, makes roads you wouldn’t have dreamed of, makes miracles happen exactly where you never would have imagined. 

There is a reason He is called The Way.”   Ann Voscamp

I believe this statement to be true, as I have received God’s encouragement and hope and guidance when things got a little shaky.  There isn’t any other source, for me, that I can count on when things are tough.  

This is the kind of faith my mother taught me.  God rest her soul.  I miss her, despite all the conflicts we ever had.   

So down I go, to my basement playroom!  It has a pellet stove now, so it’ll be nice and cozy when the weather is less than warm.  I have knitted two pair socks and one hat in the last few months, now it’s time to work with different textiles!

I’ll give you a tour very soon of the “Playroom”.  It’s properly organized and is a very pleasant place to be.  I have two full length windows facing east, so it is quite good light.

See you again soon.

Can I Move On?

It's been two weeks now, since the "overstayed their welcome" people have left.  They lived with us for 16 months.   This experience left me with trauma I never expected.  I'm thinking, by writing about it, maybe I can purge myself of some of the trauma, and figure out how I can come back to a more normal existence.

There are far more things going on the world right now that will grab peoples' attention.  Maybe I'm just boo hooing, as my mum would say.  

I'm not even sure what to write about all this.  I'm having trouble putting it into words.  It's all about feelings.  It's about a prolonged period of abuse.  How did this happen?

We offered the family a place to go, as they'd lost their house due to foreclosure.  But what led to the foreclosure was not completely disclosed.  The three were in shambles, fighting one another, physically and verbally.  Maybe we were hopeful we could help repair what ailed them.  They are/were family to us, after all.

So much happened during the first few weeks with us, it was obvious not much could be done to repair anything.  It only made us physically sick.  My migraines and blood pressure went out of the roof.  No amount of talking could make it better.  It was early on that I knew they had to leave.  I wanted my life back.  

I was thrown into a situation I could not control.  Unfortunately, my SO felt he could not make them leave.  Too much guilt involved.  They were, after all, sick themselves:  recovering from brain tumor removal, cancer, mental illness.  They had "no where" to go.  

This went on for weeks.  Then it was too cold to push them out.  The calender turned the page to 2020.  Soon it was a year anniversary since they came.  

I find it hard to go into details about what exactly they did to me.  It hurts too much.  But I will tell you I have NEVER been talked to like that, ever in my life.  I'm pretty tough, but these things changed some of the chemistry in my brain, I think.  And the worst part?  The mom attempted to cover up for the son who said those things.  And she also said he wasn't talking about me or to me.  It's like when someone says something to your face, then tries to tell you it never happened.  That's called "gaslighting."  Look it up.

I'm getting upset writing this.  Not sure this is a good idea.  

I need to move on, and leave this period of my life behind me.   I'm not entirely sure how long it will take me to get over this.  In case you're wondering, yes I do rely on my faith in God to take care of me and help me every day.  I'm not exaggerating my experience either.  I prayed to God every day to help me and be strong for me.

I am feeling a lot of relief they are gone.  I can't get these months back.  My positivity was affected, and my productivity as well.  I wanted to take control of the situation but could not.  My hands were tied.  I tried to deal with it the best I could.  All I can do is thank God every day they are gone, and move forward.   I'm so ready for some good things to happen.

HAPPY INDEPENDANCE DAY, AMERICA!

I truely wish you all a safe and happy holiday.

Hope you have some fun!

~~~~

As for me, my life is still on hold.

We have given our "way worn out your welcome" people

in our house, an ultimatum, and a deadline for moving out.

I really need my life back.  I don't feel I can do anything outside of my bedroom until they are gone.

I have been knitting, but at night, when I'm too tired to concentrate.

I have been sleeping too much, for all the stress.

It's a wonder no ulcers have shown up, but headaches are bad all by themselves.

We did not want things this way, and our hearts are good, but there is a time when your heart can't take it anymore, and you know for your own health and safety that you must take action.

It has gotten to that point.

11 more days.

~~~

Missing A Friend!

Hello everyone!
I don’t have as much time to blog as I once did, but I think about it every day!
I’ve been living with a few new people ever since last year, and some of it hasn’t been so nice. I’ve even gotten sick over it a few times, due to the stress.  That’s not fun, my friends.  In the past, I’ve gotten sick from bacteria or viruses, but not from stress.  It is harder to get well from stress related illness than other causes, in my opinion.  You can not take a pill and make your circumstances change.  YOU are the one who has to learn to adapt.
I have tried to be my best self as much as I can, but I am human, and we know that means I am weak.
However, somehow, I have been able to block out the worst things that bother me.  I have to say it is the HolySpirit helping me. I have no other explanation.
A couple weeks ago, the “people” crossed a line that can not be tolerated, so they must leave for real very soon. They were supposed to leave six months ago but.....didn’t happen...
Now there is no staying on, no grace period.  The grace periods are all used up.  Like I said, a line was crossed that can NOT be tolerated.
This is particularly hard on the hubby.  He has a heart so full of mercy. But things have become more hurtful than merciful. We pray and ask for guidance all the time.  It’s frustrating to not be able to have things the way you want them, but maybe this is just for the best.

I have turned towards knitting as a solace and a comfort this past year.  It has been good. But it took me four months to make Andrea Mowry’s Old Port Hat.  I kept knitting it and ripping and knitting and ripping, etc. It was like Groundhog’s Day, the movie.  I did finish it.  I wanted to give it up.
Now I am working on finishing Lesley Anne Robinson’s Dottie Jane shawl, and am sure I don’t have enough yarn!  That bothers me, but I’ll have to figure out a proper ending, once I get closer to the end of the yarn.  There really are no substitutes as it’s hand dyed yarn.  I’m about 40 yards short.  I didn’t pay enough attention to the yardage requirements in the beginning, so all my fault!
GOOD NEWS!  I had enough to finish the main color for this shawl, after all!  I kept on knitting last night and made it through!  Seems like there's always more than you think there is, which is a good thing. 5-04-20.

In patchwork and quilting, there are lots of ways to fix mistakes.  It’s a little bit harder with knitting.  My first skill is sewing, and knitting now has become a very close second.  It’s so very much more portable than sewing, unless you are patching by hand. But I love both, with all my heart.
I am missing my distant cousin/pen pal.  I’ve been writing her for over 30 years!  She passed the beginning of April.  She was my last regular letter writer.  I recieved an Easter card from her after her passing.  So it was one of her last things she wrote.  I am so honored she thought of me in her last moments. I really miss her.  She was 81.
My dad’s parents passed away before I was born.  My mother’s mom died at 92.  (Granny Lill).  My mother passed at 90 (Dottie Rose),  my dad’s sister at 98 (Aunt E).  I am in my sixties, so I hope to be around for a little while yet.  😊
We may be starting a very small farming operation this year.  It is so pretty here.  We have room for several animals, and a good garden.  So we shall see....
Hope you all are well and keep having faith in God.  He will see us through!

Sheepdom

A little foray into a sheep abode.  Hope you all are well.

Peace!

Sad - Ripping

Old Port hat

Sadly, I have come to the conclusion I must rip my stitches back to where they numbered 84. 

I am devastated.  I tried to adjust my knitting to a smaller number, which really gets complicated when doing the final decreases towards the top of the hat.  It's just a hat, I thought I could keep working with it.  But I realize I cant. 

I have a hard time believing no one else seems to have the same problems I have.  Projects on Ravelry just seem like such a breeze, even for beginners.  I am not a beginner,  but I guess I am challenged on one of my mental levels-- I'm aging.  It takes me longer to figure things out.

The good news is I love Brioche knitting, I like challenges, and it is only a hat. 

I have big dreams for myself and my knitting projects.  So many beautiful yarns and patterns from so many young, talented designers.  I' ll keep going, as long as I can hold the needles!

Oh and I love sheep!